There’s a lot of emotions that come out around Christmas. There’s the sad, melancholy Christmas’ reminding us of losses and failures. Happy Christmas’ with kids, grandkids and friends enjoying each others company. Private Christmas’ we share just with close family. Christmas’ with more gifts then anyone deserves. Then there’s what I call the Funny Christmas that brings all sorts of memories and mishaps to mind. That’s what I’m feeling this year. This Christmas makes me laugh.
I’ve posted stories before about the major faux pas’ I’ve made at Christmas’ past. There was the infamous cookie shooter incident. While I thought I’d made a major coups on finding the perfect gift, it was met with the comment, “…what in the hell do I do with this????”. Seems my wife didn’t have any interest in making that particular type of cookie now or in the future. And of course the super cool knitted ski sweater with the jumping deer across the front. I wisely walked through the store with my wife before Christmas and casually pointed out the sweater (I had already purchased) sitting on the store shelf. “Isn’t that a really cool sweater, honey???” response… ” I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that!!!” major sigh… These were just a couple of the holidays ‘fails’.
Now a just plain funny Christmas has to be the year of the giant tree. In brief, my dad and I had been assigned the duty of finding the perfect tree. We headed out to a local farmers grove and picked out an absolutely gorgeous tree. Full, bushy, perfectly shaped, it had winner all over it. It should have been a major clue when we had problems loading in the back of dads pickup. When we got home with it, we realized that a 10′ tree was not going to fit under an 8′ ceiling. So what do you do? Considering how well shaped the bottom of tree was, cutting 2′ off the top was the obvious solution. It ended up looking like the tree was growing right through the ceiling. You know, kinda like it was growing up into the clouds?? My mother was not nearly as impressed as Dad and I.
My wife was digging through a box of ‘stuff’ a couple of weeks ago and found a great piece of memorabilia. We used to have a couple of friends come over for Christmas as we couldn’t always make it home to see family. One of our friends (Stan) had a son that was around 10 years old at the time. Prior to them coming over we arranged for a local ‘character’ that dressed up as Santa to come over and drop off a package for (from) Stan to give to his son. Keith was impressed but not fooled when Santa showed up with the package. Santa meanwhile said he might be able to handle a couple of ‘fingers’ of brandy to take the chill off. I poured a healthy two fingers in a glass for him. Santa pulled his whiskers away from his mouth and poured it down with nary a tear in his eye. Come to find out later Santa had a hot water bottle in his suit with a hose and small funnel hidden in his beard. Over the course of the evening he collected about a quart of booze.
Now the funny thing was later in the evening we had a small gift exchange. I grabbed the box Santa had left for Stan’s son and handed it to him. Inside the box was a brand new Ruger 20 Gauge over and under shotgun. That kid’s eyes lit up like sky rockets. He started thanking me profusely thinking the shotgun was from me. We finally got him squared away it was from his dad but the fact I handed it to him stuck in his head. The memorabilia my wife found was a poem that Stan wrote and sent to us commemorating that Christmas. It was funny and brought back a flood of great memories.
The humor in this years Christmas isn’t so much related to gifts or trees. It’s just the sequence of events that occurred leading up to tomorrow. Without a doubt, it’s making for a memorable Christmas and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings!!!
This year, it started off with a minor crime wave in town. Understand, we live in a town of about 8500 year round residents. When it comes to crime, our local criminals do their best to keep up with the big city gangsters. So while the flash mobs hit the mega retailers in Chicago, New York or LA, how do you keep up locally. Well, take a lesson from this genius.
It may be a pretty small time operator but consider, he’s cutting out the overhead of selling it on Ebay. This would have been a quick turnaround. Save somebody a trip into the store. You get the cash and you can go back in and buy something you really want. Couple packs of smokes, maybe a 6 pack??? At any rate, he’ll have 3 hots and a cot for the Holiday.
I really felt in the Holiday spirit when I had the opportunity to do a good deed for our wildlife. In the past, I always felt squirrels were pretty darned clever AND smart. Then I came across an outlier. My wife called me into the kitchen to check out the squirrels on/in the feeder. This is what I saw.
I’ll give him credit for figuring out how to get the top off the feeder. What he didn’t consider was as he ‘ate’ his way down he had to get back out. On top of that, the volume of bird seed is gonna be transferred from the feeder into your belly. When I tried to grab him by the tail to help him he just tried to get deeper into the feeder. I took the feeder down, tipped it upside down to get all of the seed out and left it laying on the ground assuming he’d figure it out. After 10 minutes in the house watching I realized we’re not dealing with one of the more intelligent squirrels in the neighborhood. I got a screwdriver and took the feeder apart. Once I slid the plastic tube out of the cage, he spun around and departed for a destination unknown. I sincerely hope he learned a lesson.
This last incident only holds humor if you know my wife. She’s tough, resourceful and tends to think things through with an emphasis on priorities. Sooooo… Tuesday she’s in Fargo and stops at the gas station at Costco. As she steps out of the Expedition she steps on a patch of ice and her feet go out from under her. When she hits the pavement she felt the bone in her arm snap.
Typical of North Dakota, a fella at the next pump immediately comes to her aid and asks if she’s ok. Of course, she replies, ‘..not really, I broke my arm‘. This in turn leads to the question from the Good Samaritan, “…can I help you?”. Personally, I can think of a lot of things that would come to mind. Can you help me get in the truck? Can you take me to the emergency room? Can you call my husband? The possible responses are unlimited. But when your arm’s broken, it’s starting to hurt like hell, how many of you would have the presence of mind to hand him your credit card and ask him to fill your vehicle with gas? Granted the truck was low on gas, but seriously? We learn how to take care of our own up here and in emergencies to think rationally and logically. Gotta give her credit.
Not everybody will see the humor in my wife’s situation. Me least of all. It’s sinking in that you can’t wash dishes, shovel snow, cook or clean house with a broken arm. Actually, this isn’t funny at all!!!! But ya know what? This will definitely be another Christmas in our house that will go down in the books as memorable.
Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!!!!